Okay. Maybe I still have some issues. Things were no longer the same as how it used to be, and although I knew these would all happen, I didn’t realize that it would be this difficult. In fact, the more I think about these issues, the more I hold myself back and impress in my mind the word “vulnerability”. I have developed a new skill and no, it is not fun and easy.
After months of serious pondering about this, I have found out that I no longer like engaging in too much conversation. Well, I can tolerate random and insignificant topics, but when it comes to more personal stuff, I always choose to stay away. And even though I’ve been dying to release all my frustrations and think of talking to old friends, I always end up not doing it. I no longer like to open up or speak up about my thoughts to a random friend even though it was so simple and natural for me back then. I don’t know, but maybe there are just a lot of possible reasons why I have become like this. One of those could be my fear of people letting me down, again.
Many times I have been disappointed, hurt, cheated, lied to (and the list of all depressing scenario continues), and it all formed into a big ball of pain that is probably still in my heart for the longest time. And I’m not referring to only one person, but to everyone. Especially those whom I thought will always be there. You know what, maybe this is really just a “hate” post. I’m tired. I’m tired reaching out to those people who push me away; to those who used to understand me and listen to what I want to say. I’m tired trying to understand what’s going on because I just can’t take it anymore. I’m tired searching for answers. Most of all, I’m tired acting as a friend when I feel like I am no longer a friend.
Well, maybe I really don’t have good friends anymore like those “friends” who used to know my deepest thoughts and secrets. Maybe they all lied to me, chose to hide the truth from me for a certain period of time, and thought that I can just forget all those issues in a snap. Maybe I was just trying to settle those things within myself first but they didn’t understand. Or maybe I just have to accept that people change and sometimes, those changes are not really what we like.
If independence has its levels, I’d say I’m on the highest now, and not because I learned it but because I CHOSE it. It’s the only tolerable thing to choose for now. But I don’t want to be like this forever so I still choose to hold on to God’s promises, which is why I continue to ask Him to give me faith, that everything will be fine in His time.
Forgive me for this post. I just don’t know how to keep it all to myself anymore.
This is one of those moments when words just pour out and I no longer care about how I put it all together.