Saying goodbye to 2014 also means saying goodbye to a lot of things. And as much as I’d like to keep these emotions to myself, the sunset is giving me its saddest face right now, wanting me to just let everything out for the last time.
It has been a year of waiting; for the better days and for the happy moments. I started the year confident, and I thought I can pull everything off, only to find out that it was confidence in my own strength that will break me again into pieces. I’ve forgotten who I am. I was in deep misery and confusion. I allowed the world to dictate who I am and where I should be. It was a constant struggle as I tried to get back on my feet again. I’ve been asking God for my clear purpose. I want to know where He wants me to be and what to do with my life. I had to discipline myself; my thoughts and my emotions. I have to convince myself again and again that God is enough. And that He will forever be enough. Because there were times I’ve been having nightmares in broad daylight and I have no one to run to but just back to Him.
For months I’ve been battling with myself. I needed something to make me feel alive. I want to live in the present, because if I don’t, I’d surely die. I set on a new journey. I want to constantly challenge myself, thinking “what else can I not do?” Because over the years I feel like I’ve felt everything I’m ever going to feel, so what’s there to fear? What else is left for me not to overcome? I want to forget who I was and persistently know who I really am.
In Christ alone, I was redeemed. All by God’s grace, I stopped asking and just waited on His goodness. All my uncertainties and doubts were washed away by His mercy and love. I was a fool for wanting the answer to my questions right away. I was reminded on how beautiful God’s timing is. I was given peace. I was renewed. He reminded me of how He once rescued me from my brokenness and assured me His promise of hope. He showed me who I am now in Christ. With that, letting go of the things I’ve been holding on to for the past years became easier to do. I can now start dreaming of new beginnings and I’m choosing the path of obedience as I do this.
Next year would be scary but I’m sure it would be exciting. I’m praying for a lot of things, seeking His will and His perfect timing. Looking at my timeline, I hope this year went well for you as well. Mine was crazy, but full of learnings. Only by His grace I’m now ready to close 2014 and look forward to the coming year.
Wishing you all a happy and blessed 2015!
(December 31, 2014 – 7:45pm)