Early last week, I found myself struggling with the thought of either being too much or not being good enough. I felt so bad with the many things that was happening, and my disappointments with myself were starting to slowly dictate my view of my worth.
Last Monday, I opened my journal and looked at my last entry. I saw my notes on my study of Psalms 35. I was reminded of David and of how he we was so honest with all his emotion towards his situation, towards people, and towards God. Realizing that it’s okay to be completely honest before God, I found myself just pouring out everything I feel. Rejected. Unimportant. Unappreciated. Useless. Frustrated. I was able to name those emotions, asking God if He is disappointed with me the same way I am disappointed with myself.
I spent the entire morning soaking in God’s word as I find for comfort. I continued with my devotion on Leviticus 19, and at first I feel like I can’t find any connection with what I was reading to what I was feeling. Until I decided to read it again, and shifted my focus on the words, “I am the Lord your God”, repeated many times, ending almost every sentence of that passage. Slowly, the words were starting to echo in my head fighting off every negative thing I was condemning myself with.
“Renel, I am the Lord your God.”
I found the time last night to talk to Darel about these things. And even though I thought that I am already okay after soaking in God’s word and prayer, tears still fell. I told him of how sometimes I feel like I am dreaming so many great things for God but nothing is happening. I don’t see results for all my effort and I have to admit that it brings pain to me. I know that I shouldn’t anchor my worth on achievements even if it is meant for God’s glory, but if I am to be completely honest with myself, “sobrang lungkot lang”, I told him. Then he started reminding me the stories of great characters in the Bible and of how they, too, weren’t able to see the fruits of their labor. Moses wasn’t able to enter the promised land. David wasn’t the one who built the temple. Noah wasn’t able to save anyone else from the flood except for his own family. The only difference I have with these people is the fact that they lived 2000 years ago. But it doesn’t change the truth that we have the same God. The same God who said, “I am the Lord your God.”
As I write all of these, I am choosing to live by faith and not by feelings because I realized that God is not looking for success. He is looking for faithfulness. If the only thing I am good at is to study His word, pray, love His people, and be a great support for my husband in the ministry, then I’ll just be faithful in doing all of these. As long as I am faithful in knowing God, loving Him, and obeying Him with the best of my abilities, I’m pretty sure He will still be glorified. And that’s all I need to worry about.
God will not say, “Well done, good and successful servant”.
He’s going to say, “Well done, good and FAITHFUL servant.”
– Greg Laurie