And just like that. Another day has come to an end, and while I’m trying to convince myself that achievements are not so important (atleast for the moment), the only thing I could be proud of doing this whole day was (1) fixing the bed, (2) doing some laundry, and lastly, (3) cleaning the house.
I had brunch with a dear friend yesterday and one of the many things I took a mental note of from our conversation was about how I do my daily journal (Yes. I still keep a real journal. This online blog is different). I was used to jotting down the summary of my day, the things that happened, what I’ve accomplished, and any significant moment which is worth remembering, but very seldom write about “feelings”. Like how I really feel on a day to day basis. And that got me reflecting for quite a bit because it’s true. Writing down events and accomplishments excite me but when it comes to no filter emotions, it’s not really my priority. Or should I say… no longer? Is it possible that suppressing my emotions has become so normal for me, that I can’t even atleast write about it?
I tried to remember how I used to write, and I can’t help but to look back on those years I always find myself nostalgic of when it comes to my writing: my college days. Wait. Now this kinda makes sense. Hmmm. Okay. Haha! Well, I hope you have also figured it out by now because the reason why you won’t see any post dating from 2011 and earlier than that was because… everything was full of emotions. HAHAHA. I decided not to include those posts when I transferred here in WordPress because I’m too embarrassed by the many bursts of emotions I have in my old blog. And while I thought that doing that was the wisest thing to do back then, look where I am today. Best answer: in the process of being real to myself and admitting how I really feel.
You’ve probably heard this (or read?) from me many times, but I always say that I’m certain that my writing style have changed over the years, and of how I badly miss writing the way I used to. You know what, I never really had the chance to figure out what exactly changed. I’ve always thought that it’s just the consistency because in the past I can do multiple write-ups in day. Fast forward to 2020, I can barely finish one in a week. Haha. I think I know now what changed.
Okay. Let me try doing a little “admitting how you really feel” right now: I guess… I got sucked in by the things I look forward to accomplish or who I want to be that I seem to have lost myself in the process. I got too invested on the things and persona that I used to dream about and have forgotten who I really am. Instead of taking the time to cherish emotions and allow myself to feel it for what it is, I got too carried away to mark those feelings as achievements or events. Honestly, I don’t know if that makes any sense to you, but this is what I feel. (Hey! Congratulations, self! You are starting to acknowledge what you feel even if nobody will ever understand it. Hahaha.)
(**This post was written 2 days ago)