Today felt normal. Everything felt light. I was able to survive the day without any hint of frustration with myself or my life. Maybe releasing myself from pressure and recognizing “feelings” are indeed helpful. Eversince I started being open about me not being okay, I’ve come to realize that there are people who feel the same way too. And that thought alone gives me so much relief. I was thinking, why try to hide my true state when everybody seems to experience the same thing at some point in their life?
I wish to have more days like this.
A friend asked me last Sunday, “When will you join us again in the ministry?” I was actually ready to come up with a lie or something very vague, just so I can safely end the conversation. I paused and searched my brain for the right words. But all I found myself saying was, “I don’t know. Maybe when I start to feel again that God loves me.” We both laughed.
Well, I meant what I said. If only my 25 year old self can hear me right now, she would probably slap me back to reality. Haha. But hey, this is my reality now: 30 years old and having a hard time grasping the lyrics of a very familiar worship song even though I’ve been singing it since I was 14. It goes something like this:
When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless your heart…
When I heard the words “all is stripped away” that morning, I just cannot bring myself to be composed for another 3 minutes until the singing time ends. I tried to hold all it in, but tears eventually fell. I cried. And I didn’t care what people might think. Good thing my husband was there beside me. Thanks, love.
… I’m coming back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about you,
It’s all about you, Jesus
I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about you,
It’s all about you, Jesus…
At that moment, I cannot think straight. My heart was battling with my head. I mean, I’ve always known that everything is about God. I know that I exist because of Him and for Him. With my eyes closed, I was busy reminding myself of these truths about God. Then, I found myself saying, “Lord, how about my pain? Valid naman masaktan diba? How can you ‘strip me away of these things’ when I’ve done it all out of obedience to You? Hindi ko na maramdaman na mahal mo ‘ko eh.”
I know these are heavy words, and I think I am so done trying to keep the contents of this blog somewhat inspirational and motivating. If being honest with my true emotions is what it will take for me to truly write from the heart, then let’s do this.