I wish I could tell you how beautiful the weather is this morning. I have been trying to wake up early since the community quarantine started – – 8-ish, so I could be at the roofdeck by 8:30. Darel and I have been convinced that our bodies could benefit from the morning sunshine, but unfortunately he can’t come up here often as much as I do because of his morning allergies.
Honestly, I’m not doing it merely for the vitamin D.
I love the view up here. I could see some trees, the blue sky, the clouds. When I’m lucky, I get to have a cool morning breeze to accompany me as I read. I’m currently trying to finish Robin Sloan’s Sourdough.
It’s the first time I get to have this kind of morning breeze in the past days I have been here. It’s already summer so on most days it’s just purely heat, without much wind. However, today is different. Somehow the wind is consistent and it feels like I am almost by the beach, with the wind on-going non stop. In fact, I could almost smell the sea. Right now, I am tempted to skip on my reading and just take a nap.
I can’t help but to smile with my eyes closed and just feel the wind. The birds are happily chirping in the background. I could also hear the rustling of the tree leaves.
Some of you know how I have been struggling with my faith in the past couple of months. Or maybe almost a year. I have been in a constant battle with the God whom I felt have failed me in so many ways. When all I did was to obey Him for the past 6 years, all He did was take things away from me, and make me feel betrayed, unappreciated, not good enough, and useless.
I have been nursing wounds which I thought was already more than what I can bear. And instead of God helping me heal those wounds, He seems to just allow more of it to come.
It was difficult.
I would always have to battle with my own thoughts and of what my theology is. I would always find myself confused with the questions, “Is this still the God I know? God will never contradict Himself, right?” I know God’s promises but for many reasons, I seem to have lost sight of it. In fact, I don’t want to believe in any of it anymore. Well, maybe it could still be true for some people, but I guess not for me.
Those are the things that’s been going in my head for many months. Fast forward to now, I have started to listen to worship songs again without the feeling of resentment. If there’s any progress to what I am currently going through, the fact that I can now talk to to Him is probably a good thing. Or, the best thing ever.
The sun is about to go crazy, so I will move a bit to get some shade. I don’t want to go back inside yet. I can manage the heat as long as the wind keeps on coming like this.
God is like this morning breeze. I can never see it. I sometimes cannot feel or experience it. But when I do, there’s comfort. There’s joy. I figured, God is like this too. His absence will never mean that He isn’t there anymore.
I’m thinking, maybe some days are just really sunny.
“You are for me, not against me.
I am who you say I am.”