I Guess The Battle Always Starts Within

Probably one the most ambitious thing I’ve ever attempted to do in my entire existence was none other than the whole preps for our wedding. I have always thought of myself as someone who is crafty, or was, if that is more accurate, because if I were to be honest, it’s quite hard to find focus these days. In fact, organizing these thoughts in my head alone was a major effort.

There are just too many distractions, and a lot of excuses.

When I had the crazy idea of diy-ing 170 pillows for souvenirs, and even the thought of buying and cutting all the fabric we would be needing for the low tables, floor mats, and table runners, it took me several and difficult conversations with Darel for him to agree to do all of those things with me.

“Sure ka?”
“Kaya ba yun?”
“Ang dami. Baka mahirapan tayo.”
“It’s already February.”
“The wedding is in 3 months.”

If you’ve watched our wedding preps video, you’ll know that I have sewn all the pillowcases, Darel took charge of the painting, and we asked helped from family and friends to put the fillers in. Someone said it turned into a beautiful picture of a “community project”.

I’d like to think so too.

I was thinking, If I had given up during those difficult convincing moments with Darel, things would’ve turned out completely different. We could’ve settled for a typical dinner set-up, and maybe have chosen a different kind of souvenir. Who knows? We could’ve given away swimsuits or maybe surfboards instead (HAHA wish ko lang).

Of course, I myself had doubts too. But I had to try and just see where things would take us. I’m not sure if it was the pressure of the timeline or the legit passion in me that kept me driven to execute the once wild idea I had in mind. All I know in that moment was the saying, “If you’ll never try, you’ll never know.”

If I had chosen to give in to my self doubts, I would have never known that we can actually pull it off. I wouldn’t have the courage to make that suggestion to Darel and assure him that we would make a good team. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy our Divisoria trips. I wouldn’t be able to use the mini sewing machine I bought last 2016 (who knew it would be so useful 2 years later?). I wouldn’t know how skilled Darel is when it comes to painting fabrics. Also, I wouldn’t know that we have friends and family who would sacrifice their time just to visit and help us.

There would be a lot of what if’s. And if there’s one thing that I would regret the most If I have doubted myself and didn’t even try during that time, it’s the sad reality that I wouldn’t be able to put these thoughts into writing.

There are many things that I’ve been wanting to do lately. I try to look back in my younger years and I wonder, where did all the passion go? Crafts used to be a best friend of mine. I would make new candles from recycled candles, envelopes from recycled folders, a sling bag from an old pair of jeans, make paper toys. I could even write stories, or rearrange my bedroom hundred times to give it a new look.

One thing was constant in my life back then: I would always have something, anything, to keep my hands busy.

Now, whenever I would have a new idea, my brain would immediately process it as something that is stupid and not good enough. Did my standards just changed? Or have I completely lost the battle of doing the things you love no matter what people would say and think? Because wounds have piled up. People’s biases. People taking credit. Words that were never meant to build but to destroy. This crazy world have it’s way to take things away from you. And I’m still figuring out why I shouldn’t allow that to happen anymore.

I guess the battle always starts within.

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