4/30 Things Before Leaving 30: Shadows, An Original Song

When I was about to play this song in front of my husband for the first time, he was sitting at the other corner of the room, excited to hear what I was about to play. I was anxious, not only because I’m not used to having an audience when I sing and play, but also more on the fact that it would be the first time I will be sharing an original to anyone, ever. I didn’t tell him yet what’s the song all about, but this has been what I’ve been working on for the past 2 days. This was sometime in February.

I asked him to close his eyes and turn his chair around so that he would face the wall instead of me. He agreed, and so I started:

“Shadows are my new best friends, I think
When I think of you, I lose everything…”

My voice was shaking halfway thru the song, fighting all the attempts of my tears to ruin the moment. When I finished, he stood up and hugged me. I told him why I wrote such, and I started to cry. I don’t really like crying at all but at that moment, it was fine. Because he cried with me.

This was actually a song for my God.

It’s a love letter about how I feel, what I think, and what I’m experiencing, sent to the One who says He loves me but in all honesty, I just can’t feel His love anymore. Every time I think of Him, I just remember the things I’ve lost, the ones that He took away. And it has been months, or almost a year of silence, and the unanswered questions and pain were just piling up. I was really having a hard time to still believe in Him and His promises. I cannot pray, or even read His word. I cannot even stand listening to worship songs nor sing along with it. “I don’t know” became my favorite words because I really don’t know what’s the point of everything. It was out of my desperation that I was able to write this, hoping that He will hear me because finally, I was able let it all out.

Many things have happened between that day and today. And I’m thankful for the few people who have stood in the gap for me. I wish I could tell you more about it right now, but let’s see. Maybe I can write a song about it too.


Lyrics:
Shadows are my new best friends, I think
When I think of you, I lose everything
I’m waiting here too long for you, I think
When I say I do, will you give me a ring?

I cannot define
I couldn’t think you’re mine

Shadows are my new best friends, I think
When I think of me, I just cannot sing
I’m waiting here too long for you, I think
You say you love me too, just do anything

I cant win this fight
And I’m giving it my all
I won’t win this fight
If I’m the only one fighting

I cannot define
I couldn’t think you’re mine

Shadows are my new best friends, I think
When I think of me, I’ve lost everything
Shadows are my new best friends, I think
When I think of you, it’s just so hard to sing

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