It was the Monday of the week before this whole community quarantine started. I woke up but I can’t get out of bed. I’ve had those days many times in the past year. I’d stay in bed, stare at the ceiling, body immobile but mind is working. The never ending battle of thoughts begin. I have survived similar days but that particular morning was extra difficult. I’ve decided that I’m done, with everything. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either. I thought, I’m just so tired to live. I’m so done existing.
I was convinced that my life wasn’t making sense anymore. I was texting my husband, who just got in the office, that I was feeling emotionally down again. I was asking him a lot of questions, and also ranting at the same time: “I feel like a bad person because I feel this way towards God”, “People are telling me to just come to God, keep going to church. Life is not about you. Alam ko naman yun eh. Pero pano ko idedesire na magsimba kung hindi naman na totoo sakin yung mga naririnig ko dun?”, “Sobrang sama ko bang tao dahil ganito nararamdaman ko tapos hindi naman dapat kasi “Christian” ako? Mas masama pa ba ako sa mamamatay tao, sa magnanakaw?”, “The only thing that’s making me to keep holding on sa faith ko sa Kanya is because asawa mo ‘ko, asawa ako ng mag pa-pastor. Pero para sa sarili ko, parang wala na.”
I can’t believe that the day would come wherein I would find myself saying those things. But it did, at the supposed most exciting season of my life. I was losing my sanity, because of many traumas in the past decade, and I was consumed by those thoughts when suddenly Darel opened the door of the room, went straight to our bed and hugged me. He excused himself from work, even though he just got there, and went back home just to be with me. He took me on a roadtrip. In my 30 years of existence, I’ve never felt so loved, so special, that someone would drop everything just to make me feel that my thoughts and pain are valid, and that my life is important. That night, I said to myself that I won’t allow my thoughts to drown me like that again. It will be hard, but I promised to continue to fight.
I will always look back on that day with so much gratefulness. When my life seemed like falling apart because a lot of things that deeply mattered to me was taken away, God was still good for leaving me with one thing: my husband. Nasabi ko pa nga dati, “Everything I have now is because God blesses and loves my husband, and not because He loves me. Sabit lang naman ako.” Because honestly, it felt like God has forgotten me and the things that I was doing for Him. It doesn’t seem important to Him. I felt useless, worthless. Later on, I remembered that my husband and I are one. Maybe it’s true that God doesn’t only bless him. Maybe He blesses “us”, because we are one.
As much as how shameful it sounds that I went through such eventful circumstances, I won’t be ashamed of the God who has been pursuing me relentlessly, and the same God who orchestrated everything so that I’d end up marrying this man. One thing I’ve learned in my life at 30: the enemy will not just try to shake you. It will do its best to uproot you. It will be a lifelong battle, sure, but I’m so glad I have my husband with me in this war. I love you, love! Happy anniversary. ❤️